The Slow Demise of a Non-Traditional First Generation Student
One of my favorite quotes from American performer Ella Williams describes how I've handled most decisions throughout my entire life. Sometimes if a choice was made, knowing it may be too much to handle, following through is the only option. I have maintained full-time status at the University of Wisconsin Eau Claire for two and a half years without a break. My 5 semesters consisted of 12, 15, 12, 17, and 14 credits, including two Winterim semesters, one 9 credit summer, and another summer reserved for a research project, all following five semesters at Chippewa Valley Technical College. With the exception of my 15-credit semester, where I trained for and ran a marathon, I have always worked one or two jobs. The amount of credits taken was entirely dependent on my financial aid. I am a single mother with sole placement and financial responsibility of my two children who have transitioned from elementary school to middle school and on to high school, while playing for multiple sports teams, during my time at the university. We have a dog and a cat. I have been able to take a total of 21 out of the 85 credits online, including summer and Winterim courses, most of which were electives chosen specifically because they were online. Currently, there are bi-annual luncheons for non-traditional students at UWEC, but I have never attended one.
An assessment of my mental state and limited college burnout research allows me to create a casual speculation for why only 2.83% of undergraduate students enrolled full-time at a public university are age 35-39. (1) Joining McNair has given me a wonderful opportunity to attend graduate school after completing my undergraduate degree. There, the percentage of full-time students aged 35 and older is dramatically higher, at 31%. (1) It is most unfortunate that currently I have no interest in attending graduate school, nor to enter into any career that would accord me any responsibility.
"What Are You, Burnt Out?"
"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" 1991
I do not exist outside of the responsibilities of raising young adults, proper pet care, paying bills, and acquiring a degree. My only disciplined form of self-care is to exercise. Without weekly 5 A.M. spin classes or afternoon runs; I would have surely undergone mental collapse by now. If I do not continue a zero-tolerance policy for drinking alcoholic beverages, I am most certain an unmanageable drinking habit would develop. I go to great lengths to prevent socializing or trying to ‘have fun’ because when such extracurricular events are unavoidable, I feel as though my time would be spent more productively doing homework or cleaning my house. Migraines, a new phenomenon to me, frequent me multiple times a month, and the passion to learn and achieve high scores has been replaced with a robotic resignation to just get something turned in. It has always been in my nature to spend a lengthy amount of time perfecting homework assignments, but now it takes an equal amount of time to turn in satisfactory work. Cynicism with a side stomachache is my permanent disposition.
At this time the effects of burnout have created within me a resignation to apply for entry level jobs. I worked at Menard’s distribution center over the previous summer, and despite it being the bane of my existence, there was no inclination to apply for jobs I may have been more qualified for. I won’t even get started on the unabating effects of imposter syndrome. The effects of fatigue are so extreme, yet there was never a sufficient option, due to financial constraint, to slow down the process of achieving my bachelor’s degree. I have developed an abhorrence for motivational quotes to ‘have grit, persevere, self-improve and stay strong.’ The sayings, “The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg,” or 'the same sun that melts wax hardens clay” lead me to believe there is something wrong with me. After all, it’s not the circumstances but what you’re made of that determines your success. Alas, despite the feeling of wanting to quit something so considerably, (which really says a lot given my history or tumultuous relationships and barely survivable living conditions) this is a mouthful that I must digest. To give up now would render me in a state of depression for failing at something that millions of other women, some with much more difficult circumstances, have certainly achieved. I will one day recover from burnout, but I would not recover from giving up.
The 2010 article, “Examining the relationship of personality and burnout in college students: the role of academic motivation” elaborates on the connection between personality traits and their likeliness to produce burnout. While neuroticism is the sole predictor of emotional exhaustion, neuroticism, extraversion, openness to experience and agreeableness predicted depersonalization and personal accomplishment. While none of these personality traits held a significant link to burnout, the personality trait, conscientiousness, was found to create a direct path to burnout. In conclusion, I may need to spend a few months ‘working on my personality’ in preparation for applying to graduate school.
The Simpsons "Workaholic" 2006
1. Characteristics of Postsecondary Students. National Center for Education Statistics . (2021). https://nces.ed.gov/programs/coe/indicator/csb/postsecondary-students
2. David, A. (2014, October 21). Examining the relationship of personality and burnout in college students: The Role of Academic Motivation. SSRN. https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2509164#paper-citations-widget
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